“All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don’t know anyone who’s, like, happy and has children at this age… anyone who has light in their eyes… anyone who has slept.”
When singer Chappell Roan, 27, shared her thoughts on parenthood on last week’s episode of the Call Her Daddy podcast, she likely didn’t think it would be that big a deal – much less spark a huge debate online.
But, as was the case with her other social media tirades, that’s exactly what happened over the weekend, as swathes of mothers took to TikTok to share intimate moments between them and their babies, criticising the Pink Pony Club star in the process for her “insensitive” remarks.
“Can’t imagine what heaven’s like if this is hell,” wrote one mother, clutching to her infant. Others have shared similar clips of them and their tots, denouncing Roan for her “frustrating” reaction to motherhood and stating it is “so far from the truth.”
It isn’t just on social media that parents are voicing their grievances with Roan’s views, though.
Kellie Whitehead, a 47-year-old PR consultant and mother-of-three, argues that, although it’s a fair note that “parenting under fives isn’t a walk in the park”, “sleep deprivation is real” and “new parenting is a shock to the system,” it isn’t for people like Roan to comment.
She tells Yahoo UK: “To suggest that parents are not and cannot be happy in their roles is naive and coming from a voice of no experience here. I know it’s exclusionary to say, but nothing makes a mother’s eyes roll more than unsolicited opinions from the childless. Also – how do her friends feel about her speaking about them so publicly? It’s rude.”
Kellie does acknowledge that, like all parents, she has “struggled” at points and would “never wash over that” (“I had two boys under 15 months at one stage, which was a whirlwind of low energy horror”, she recalls) but she resents the idea that there are no “glimmers” of joy to be had from the experience.
“Parenthood is the ultimate leveller,” she says. “No amount of money, power and status can buy you a baby who sleeps well, behaves well or grows into the ‘perfect’ teenager or citizen. Understand that, roll up your sleeves and prepare for everything. Have confidence in yourself, make good choices.”
Similarly, 35-year-old Tobi Adebayo* believes Roan’s views are wrong – or at least overstated. He says: “I think ‘hell’ is probably an exaggeration on her part. But if not, I’m concerned for her friends because it shouldn’t feel like that.
“Seeing my one-year-old child grow and develop is tremendously rewarding. I have no doubts difficult days will come, but there is only so much I can control. I choose to take each day as it comes – good and bad.”
For 32-year-old Emily Chambers*, who gave birth to her first child eight months ago, the best way to think about early parenthood is to compare it to a holiday in Australia. “Yeah, the flight is hard and not necessarily enjoyable, but it’s so worth it in the grand scheme of things. You soon forget about the long-haul journey when you’re having the best time on your trip,” she says.
Like Kellie, Emily also feels for Roan’s friends in this situation. “The biggest struggle is truly the loneliness. I’m very social and I can’t go out like I used to and people don’t reach out as much. I feel sad for Chappell’s friends as they’re clearly making the effort to be in her life and she’s s*** all over theirs in this interview. I don’t think she recognises how much it takes to get someone to look after your child.”
Then, such was the case with freelance writer Pooja Shah, there are occasionally other obstacles that you can’t always control – but it doesn’t mean the entire experience isn’t worthwhile.
“From the start, I was always made to believe that breastfeeding was supposed to be natural and very easy. For me, it really wasn’t – and I had to take the support of so many lactation consultants and I still couldn’t do it completely. It made me feel very inadequate and made me feel like I was failing my son,” she says.
Although mothers are usually encouraged to breastfeed their babies, it doesn’t always work out as expected. (Getty Images)
“He experienced reflux for the first two months of life, and thankfully it then got better. But there was definitely a period of time where I felt so isolated because it was not an issue that any of my mum friends and my group were going through.
“Having children can be very isolating sometimes, but I think that you need to just remember it’s a phase and things will get better,” she concludes.
Others, such as Gordon Dowall-Potter, founder of MANtenatal and father-of-five, however, say they “get it.”
“Chappell Roan’s take is valid – parenting isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. It’s overwhelming, it can be isolating, and, yes, it will completely upend your social life, sleep, identity – all of it. I think it’s powerful when people feel free to say, ‘That’s not for me.’ We need to normalise that honesty.
Gordon Dowall-Potter, founder of MANtenatal, says that he “gets” Chappell Roan’s comments about parenthood and that it’s not for everyone. (Gordon Dowall-Potter)
“But we also need to recognise that parenthood can be deeply transformative if you’re ready for it. The problem is, most of us guys aren’t prepared for the reality – we’re just told to ‘man up’ and crack on. That’s exactly why I created MANtenatal: to offer a real, relatable course for dads that tackles all of that head-on.”
Gordon also acknowledges that the sleepless nights are “brutal” and the change to one’s identity “hits hard.” “You start questioning whether you’ve lost yourself completely,” he says. “Most dads don’t say it out loud, but the pressure to just cope is real. The lack of sleep, the loss of identity, the relationship strain – it’s real. I love being a dad, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.”
While he also doesn’t think it gets any “easier”, he does believe that parenthood “gets different” as your children grow. “With babies, it’s about surviving the chaos. With older kids, it’s navigating emotions, personalities, tech, school pressures… and they start asking big questions you’re never quite ready for,” he admits.
The early stages of parenthood can be particular gruelling. (Getty Images)
For 32-year-old Laura Evans, though, her “readiness” to parent came down to life stage and circumstances. She explains: “When I was 20/21 I dated an older man who had a child from a previous relationship. I was not prepared at all for what that entailed. I found the monotony of a ‘child focused’ life absolute hell. It wasn’t what I wanted to fill my time with – I didn’t want to be at soft play or at the park all the time. I distanced myself from everyone because I felt totally displaced in the world.
“Having my own daughter was a totally different experience, however, because I chose to have her; I waited until I wanted a life focused around children.”
Although she can see how, from an outsider’s perspective, parenting doesn’t always look fun (“You see the parents trying to keep them sat down at a cafe eating lunch or the kid having a tantrum in the supermarket – and to be honest, at the time, those things can feel like hell even as a parent,” she adds), Laura maintains that those moments are balanced with “an unbelievable amount of love”, and for all the “hellish” things babies and kids do, they also do some “pretty cool stuff, too.”
She also understands that “not all horses are for all courses”, and that, just as people like her love being a parent, it isn’t for everyone.
Those who don’t have children can also struggle with the shift in dynamics. (Getty Images)
Someone who very much understands this sentiment is 41-year-old Emma Henley*, who decided early on that she didn’t want to have children. “I never wanted kids as I didn’t want to have to get up for school all over again – I hated it as a child, I vowed I’d never do it to myself as an adult,” she tells me. “I also find the idea of having lots of sticky plastic tat and a pushchair in my house really gross. I like having my own schedule, I wouldn’t want to give up my weekends for noisy birthday parties and football training. I see zero joy in it.”
That said, she doesn’t feel like her friends who have children are stuck in “hell”. “I know a lot of women who absolute adore being a mum,” she says. “They don’t hide that it’s hard and it can be really stressful, but I don’t see any of them regretful or miserable. It might be as they all waited until their late 30s/early 40s to start and expand their families – we are older than Chappell.”
One thing that has weighed on Emma’s mind is how her friendships have evolved as a result of parenthood. “Being the one of the only ones in our group who doesn’t have children has been hard at times,” she reflects. “I’ve felt really left out, but I understand that dynamics evolve and so have our friendships. As their kids have gotten older it becomes fun to spend time with them and be an ‘aunty’ figure in their lives.”
Jodie Down, meanwhile, says that it isn’t so much her impression of motherhood that puts her off, but, rather, the stories from her friends themselves. She explains: “My friend had a dreadful birth and the thought of that makes me feel sick. Their stories have put me off – they are constantly saying how tired they are and how they have no time for themselves.
“I also really value my marriage and my friends seem to be strained with the addition of a child. My partner means the world to me, so I wouldn’t want to risk that.”
*Some names have been changed
Read more about parenting and relationships
